I Did a Thing... Despite the Insecurity

It amazes me that no matter our age, no matter the experience and wisdom we gain with said age, there are things from our past that continuosly need to be dealt with. 

I'll never forget my dad (my mom passed ten years ago) telling me that a woman he was spending a lot of time with admitted that she found it inappropriate that he hugged former woman students of his. The thing is... my dad hugs ALL the students, male and female. He hugs all the family, all the friends. Hugging is a thing for some people, and it became a thing for our family when my sister-in-law came into the picture. Bottom line, many of her comments were rooted in jealousy.

WHAT?! We still have insecurities when we are 80 something? 

I guess since I have been feeling pretty darn confident and secure in who I am at the ripe old age of 47 (or 46? -- I always have to ask my husband), I thought that all gets better with age. 

Well, it turns out that relationship insecurity just isn't my issue, but buried not-so-deep was a fear and insecurity having to do with how others view me. It goes back to second grade. S-E-C-O-N-D grade! Let us not underestimate the experiences of childhood.

Imagine it: after we had learned an entire dance number in my ballet class, the instructor pulled me up to the front of the class to lead the dance. I have no recollection of what she said to the class. I just knew I was really excited, because I LOVED the dance and felt such happiness when I did it. In fact, the words to the song included, "I love dancing... ballet or tap or soft shoe..." So, I danced my little heart out in front of the class. 

Cut to locker room scene after class. No adults present, just the second and third grade girls in the dance class. I put on my awesome 80's neon sweatpants and Keds sneakers, grab my pink dance duffle bag and head for the door only to be blocked by a THIRD grader (the most popular third grader in the school -- which was a really small school, but STILL). 

"You're such a show off! You think you're SO HOT for getting to dance in front of us." She said more, but I was frozen in shock. She finished, and moved aside. Tears started dripping as I walked out. I don't remember anything after that. I don't even know if I told my mom, but those words are forever burned into my memory. 

Those words wrecked me, and unfortunately, it didn't get better anytime soon. Turns out, I was a talented dancer (for a little town). My teacher moved me up two levels to a class in a different little town. None of the girls would talk to me. I felt very unwelcome. 

Looking back, now I can see the bigger picture. They didn't know me either. Plus, now having kids of my own, I know it's often hard for kids two years apart to relate to eachother, sometimes, when you are that young. I mean, they were the age of "big kid" recess line up, and I was still a "little kid."

BUT, my brain was convinced that they didn't like me, because I was a show off and thought I was so hot for being moved up a couple dance levels. 

It caused severe anxiety in me to the point that I would not go to class. My poor mother would sit in the car with me in the parking lot while I cried inconsolably in fear only to finally pull out and drive home. She finally had to withdraw me from dance. 

I didn't dance again until high school. 

If you know me, you know I obviously got over it. I went on to dance on teams in high school and through college. After that, I coached high school dance teams and took part in several community theater productions (mostly musicals with lots of dancing). 

BUT there is something about dancing with a team and performing with an ensemble. I don't think I would have danced a solo. I performed some parts that were "featured," but never the lead, AND in those productions, I was "someone else." It's much less intimidating (for me at least) to be the center of attention if I can act totally different from who I really am! 

It's when you ask me to share my passions and be vulnerable by myself in front of people that that voice from second grade comes boiling up to the surface. Most recently, it happened to plague me when the worship pastor from my church asked if I would do a live painting during a church worship night. 

I fully admit, I have always thought this is a way cool concept. I have wanted to try it for quite some time. I am so thankful for a church that is willing to do new things and people that take initiative on organizing said new things, because I certainly wouldn't have taken it upon myself (because - show off... exemplified right?). 

WHY DO I THINK THIS WAY?! -- If another artist who knew this was their gift had asked our worship pastor to paint for a worship service, would I have thought they were a show off? NO!!!!<---- bad grammer, but many exclamation points are needed. I would have been fully behind that person and probably even a little envious that I had not had the guts to do it. SAD.

So, how do we get past those voices? Go to the Bible. We are in a constant battle for the truth. Spiritual warfare is replacing lies with the truth found in the Living Word of God. Ephesians 6: 17 says, "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." The word is our weapon of warfare.

What is the truth about using our gifts?

1 Peter 4: 10-11 says, "10 God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. 11 Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen."

Exodus 31: 3-5 says, "3 I have filled him with the Spirit of God, giving him great wisdom, ability, and expertise in all kinds of crafts."

1 Corinthians 12: 4-7 says, "4 There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. 5 There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. 6 God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.7 A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other."

Matthew 5: 14-16 says, "14 “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father."

1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "31 So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

These are just a few verses that address using our gifts and talents. What I interpret is that God is the giver of these gifts and they are to be used to glorify Him! They are to help others and build up the church. We aren't to hide our gifts; they actually make the world a brighter place and cause others to worship the Lord as well. 

Now, we also need to understand there are also verses that say “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” (This one is Proverbs 11:2). When we take the credit for or gifts and success and we start to think of ourselves as better than someone else, pride becomes toxic sin, and no one wants to be around that.

On the other end of the spectrum, there is also false humility which I confess, has been a struggle for me in my life. Rather than adding length to this post, here is a good summary of false humility. 

Like most of life, we have to call on the Holy Spirit to help us discern balance. Lord, may we always give you the glory for our gifts and talents! May we honor you with them and bless others with them. Help us not to hide them in order to seem as though we are humble, but to let our light shine so that others would want to know more about YOU and not about us. Amen.

So, I did it. I painted live during a worship service. My heart was racing. My hand shook then ENTIRE time (not exagerrating). I was so thankful that the song lyrics were able to consistently re-direct the intrusive thoughts and doubts as I painted. I felt the fear and did it anyway (this is a common necessity in my life. I know many of you can relate). 

I can't help but believe that the Holy Spirit guided me, becuase I was able to "finish" just before the last song of the night ended. Creating in this way was invigorating; I felt alive in a way I haven't felt before. I am so thankful for this experience!

Here are some photos:

Thankful for my sweet friend who snapped this shot during worship.

Here is the initial sketch. The "finished" piece that night looked much like this.

Here is why I kept tying the word finished in quotes. This is the actual finished piece. I knew I would never be able to produce a detailed, complete vision in an hour. I worked on it at home in order to fully develop the image I had in mind.

Here are some details that a pretty tiny:

I think the pouncing fox is my favorite : )

Thank for reading! Tell me, friends... do you battle insecurities even in your adulthood? What battles have you overcome lately? Let me know in the comments.